In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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