I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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