I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
