I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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