i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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