I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
