I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
