if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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