If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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