he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
