either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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