I wish I could punch you in the face.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
