I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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