His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
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He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"