I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
