I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
