so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
