My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
