Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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