Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We got so high we made milksteak
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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