So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
