I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
