Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
should my penis look like a turkey
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
