She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
