Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
