Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
A bitchslap is in order.
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