Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
