Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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