Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
