You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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