Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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