You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
