I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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