In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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