You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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