I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
