i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
