Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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