she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
