I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
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Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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