Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
