I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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