I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
