it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
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she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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