forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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