Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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