I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm jealous of your bromance
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
