I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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