My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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