She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
