when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
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For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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