she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
