Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
