I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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