i need an iv and a liver transplant
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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